Monday

The World Corn Syrup Conspiracy


Due to the request of a fellow reader -- I will be writing about Corn Syrup. So Mikey, this goes out to you.

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Corn Syrup surrounds our lives. It's in half of our drinks, and countless things we eat. But what the hell is corn syrup? What does it do? Does it do anything? Does it make us fatter? Do we really need it?

Is there a world Corn Syrup Conspiracy?

Well, let me start this expedition into the CSC with a personal story. Much like David (at the Dentist), I at a young age had to deal with dental surgery of sorts. I had a cavity, and it needed to be taken care of.

Note, it was not a big cavity- I believe the Doctor described it as "half a cavity" - and before and since I have yet to have another. I'm pretty good (knock on wood) with my cavity control.

But before the surgery I had taken a keen interest in the ingredients in my Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew was my most favorite of drinks at that young age, and I still have an Achilles heel for it. It tastes great, and gives you way too much caffeine in the process.

But, on the back I found that Corn Syrup was an ingredient in my favorite beverage. I asked my Mom, "Mom, what is corn syrup?" And I believe her response was "I don't know. Are you ready to go in babe?" I said yes, and we quickly through the corn syrup issue to the wind and entered the world of cavity cleansing.

Now, they didn't put me on that many drugs, but they did put me on laughing gas - my first experience with such a substance. It was even cherry flavored. I didn't feel anything, and the procedure was over in no time.

BUT- I did taste something. Was it the taste of my drilled teeth? Probably. But I thought otherwise- I thought it was Corn Syrup.

And therefore started screaming:

I TASTE CORN SYRUP. 

Before being dragged out to the car and then falling asleep.

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So what does this have to do with the world Corn Syrup Conspiracy? Probably nothing. But maybe something- maybe is that at a young age I was aware that Corn Syrup was infiltrating my foods and drinks and slowly taking over our lives.

But what is it (supposedly) used for?

Wikipedia says this:

Corn Syrup is a syrup, made using cornstarch as a feedstock, and composed mainly of glucose. A series of enzymatic reactions are used to convert the corn starch to corn syrup. Its major uses in commercially-prepared foods are as a thickener, sweetener, and for its moisture-retaining (humecant) properties which keep foods moist and help to maintain freshness.

Note, there is also such thing as High-Fructose Corn Syrup, where its use is less clear and it's use is MORE BROAD!

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So it seems clear to me- Corn Syrup is trying to take over the world.

By slowly working its way into all our foods and drinks for thousands of different reasons yet unclear, it is infiltrating the bloodstream of the American Society and will soon be taking hold of it.

BUT WHY, you ask?

Probably Corporate World Domination.

Probably World Slavery.

Probably. 

At least I'm 99% sure.

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